Today was emotionally challenging. I woke up sad, and spent the day feeling very angry at the world. I'm grieving. We have a new collective "before" and "after". We are living through history. Not all of us will make it to "after" and I'm feeling the weight of the upcoming grief, like the shadow of a tidal wave.
How am I handling it? As well as can be expected. I'm starting home, wearing gloves, washing my hands, wearing a mask when I go out, keeping my hands busy.
This isn't vacation, and I don't feel relaxed sitting at home "doing nothing". I'm exhausted like I'm working all day, because my mind is working all day. I'm vacillating between all the stages of grief.
When my brother died a few years ago, I experienced the same rapid cycling of emotions. It's really tiring so I'm trying to remember above all to just be gentle with myself. I'm baking, I'm knitting, I'm dreaming about sewing but learning a new skill seems overly tiring right now so I'm allowing my hands fall back into the textures and patterns that have soothed me through all of my difficult experiences: knitting is an old friend to me.
I'm surpised at how much I'm thinking of my sweet little doggy Fern and my brother, both of whom have left me in the last few years.
I'm loved, I have a home and family, I have food and land I can stretch my legs out on, and above all I have my health. Such wonderful things to be grateful for, I'm very lucky.